I'm not totally sure how to Steam Deck

Content warning: This post is about video games, and me being a whiny bitch.

I play a lot of video games, though I haven’t owned a gaming console since the 1990s. It’s instead been all on my computer, which means I’ve accumulated an insane library of games on Steam. The Steam Deck is a weird asterisk because it’s technically a PC but shaped like a handheld console. It lets you play a decent chunk of your Steam library that would previously otherwise be relegated to your computer, but on the go. It’s neat! And relatively cheap.

The appeal of PC gaming for me was the centralization and lack of obsolescence. I already need a beefy computer to do work and dunk on other Substackers, so why not also use it to play video games? Even if you don’t keep up with the upgrade treadmill, there’s an insane catalogue of older games spanning half a century.

The potential downside is the centralization. After my 15 hour dunking shift is over for the day, it’s kinda weird to then just continue to chill out to some video games in the same space, and just allow my ass to merge ever indelibly with my chair. So I got a Steam Deck to break things up a bit, spice up life.

There’s problems, but the problems are sort of a boon. Kind of.

First Problem: Ergonomics

The Deck necessarily has to have the thing you’re looking at directly attached to the thing you’re holding. That’s a problem because those two things do not have the same optimal position. Ideally, you’re looking straight ahead while holding something on your lap, such as in this scientific diagram:

You don’t want to tilt your head down to stare at a tiny screen on your lap for hours on end. Yet the Deck is too heavy to hold up to your eye levels without some support. So after lots of trial and error, everyone realizes that the optimal holding position is laying back with the Deck on your chest, ideally on top of a pillow:

Tray tables make the Deck perfect for airplane rides, but it remains meh for everywhere else.

Second Problem: Mouse & Keyboard Uber Alles

Look, controllers can be great for certain games (namely platformers and most 3rd person action games) but they remain garbage for almost everything else. I find it very odd that the mouse and keyboard, peripherals that were designed primarily to navigate office applications, remain the optimal control interface for most games.

My nightmare is playing any sort of 1st or 3rd person shooter with a controller thumb stick; I have no fucking idea how anyone tolerates that because aiming becomes such a frustrating chore. It’s incomprehensible to me that first person shooters ever gained a popular foothold on consoles. I used a controller with Middle-earth: Shadow of War because that game has way too many move sets to remember and execute properly on a keyboard, but aiming the bow with a thumbstick for a headshot on some arrogant orcs was torture.

Game developers have worked really hard in implementing controller support for more and more games, but many of them end up being half-assed unavoidable compromises. The same lack of precision applies to using the thumbstick to navigate city building or strategy games. Also, the ability to ‘hover’ your cursor on any button or feature to get an explanatory tooltip is invaluable! But implementing that with a controller becomes very clunky.

Third Problem: Graphics can’t be too good

This is a silly one, but I have an RTX 4070 on my computer (hold your applause until the end, please) and not using it is like not fucking your hot wife. The Deck’s processing capabilities are extremely impressive. I keep slapping myself in the face to remind myself how much of a technological leap we’ve made in this area in such a few short years. But as impressive as the Deck can look, I know it will look even better when it’s powered by a 4070 on a large monitor (with mouse and keyboard, of course). So I’ll get this perturbing sense of FOMO when I know a game’s graphics are held back by the Deck. This leaves us only with games with basic bitch graphics.

The Upsides of Problems

I know, I know, I’m basically whining that I have a sick-ass gaming PC. For me to play something on the Deck instead of my PC, the graphics can’t be too good, the controller support has to be perfect, and I need some other reason not to be on my computer. What this translates to in practice is that the only time I use the Deck is when I sit with my wife on the couch and pretend to be interested in her favorite TV shows. It’s absolutely perfect for that.

The other boon is that I’m committed to finishing my book draft by the end of the month, and towards that end I’ve banned myself from playing any games on my computer (you guys have no idea what I sacrifice for you…). This has worked well so far explicitly because I find the Deck too annoying and limiting to fritter away hours of my time on it.

So yeah, it’s kind of good the Deck kind of sucks.