Served & Delivered
Hi. It’s been a while. I can explain.
But first, I know exactly what you’ve been wondering about. You want to know how my dead cat’s federal lawsuit is going.
The United States government gets a generous 60 days to respond to lawsuits (normal people get 21). So after we filed and served our complaint, we waited. And waited. And waited. After several months, the court gave us a nudge and asked to prove service.
Service is basically the law’s formalized version of “did you get my email?” and you prove it by simply asserting that you swear to god that you really did send that email. We finally did hear from the government, but only after we filed for a default judgment, and their response was confusing. They conceded getting the outer shell of our email (the envelope) but claimed some of the contents were missing (only summons, but no complaint).
Normally, that’s the end of that, right? One side claims they shipped an iPhone, the other claims they received a brick weighing exactly 8.5 oz. Orrrrrr you can file a supplemental declaration of service where you provide photographic documentation of every single step you took to effectuate service, including picking up the print order, walking to the postal service shop across the street, stuffing the actual envelopes with the actual complaint and — for good measure — holding up the finished packaged array for the world to see. That would be insane, right?
This was filed on April 1st, but it’s no joke.
After this unassailable display, the government tried a new argument. Sure, fine, they received my envelopes, and maybe it actually did contain the complaint, but one of them bounced around their building before they received because it was missing the suite number and so therefore (they argued) it shouldn’t count. In the end, we had to serve all the defendants again.
Not taking any chances this time, we served everyone in quadruplicate, and added personal service too. Maybe, finally, this is enough. Almost a year after we filed suit, we’ll finally get their response. I can’t wait to read it!
Oh, and the twin boys were delivered btw:
The last few months have been a waking nightmare. An especially apt turn of phrase because I’ve never before experienced sleep deprivation of this magnitude, the kind where even if you saw flaming embers around you, you’d still want to chance a few minutes — seconds, even! — of repose.
One baby is already bad enough, but there’s no economies of scale with newborns, and so twins are actually more than double the work. Let’s say 3X for both. On top of that, these genetically identical dunderheads were both born with a serious but entirely manageable medical condition, of which the only practical consequence is that they require significantly more time and vigilance overall from us. Let’s say 3X for each. Did I mention there’s two?
And it’s all made capriciously worse by my phone — that vile devil machine in my pocket — constantly reminding me that exactly one year ago today my wife and I were having the time of our lives gallivanting through Italy, absolutely unencumbered by any (human) children. I miss walking. I miss staying up late on my own accord. I miss doing things. And I definitely miss writing.
Now, when I wake, when my consciousness interrupts into sentience, there’s a brief lull. A pause where my mind sifts through the chaff & detritus of perception, where I can gaze at the sun rays glinting across my immediate environment without any contextual baggage. But the galloping roar floods the landscape and the caravan train quickly catches up to remind me that I am still trapped within the four corners of this reality. I regret almost every minute of it.
Almost.
Congratulations! It passes, and then you miss it terribly and can't wait for grandchildren.
Those are cute babies dude